Screwed Up My Kid a Little Bit The Other Day

Have you ever had a moment that should have been a meaningless little blip, but upon further review becomes something life changing? I've had a few.

Like the time about six years ago when I walked out the front door of my apartment and did a double take. What I thought was a black garbage back lifted it's little head and stared at me. It was a lost dog, in the city of Chicago, that had managed to find it's way past multiple busy streets to my front door. I took him inside and eventually found the poor little guy's very appreciative elderly owner. She donated $50 in my name to an animal shelter. Nice lady.

Or the time when I was a little girl and my parents had friends over for dinner. I don't have any idea who they were, occasions such as this were rare in our house at the time, but I do know they had brought a kid with them. We were having ice cream for dessert and I was dishing it out for everyone. When I gave the kid his bowl I asked him if I had given him enough. His mom snatched the bowl away from me and said, "Oh my goodness, that's way too much!" I was soooo embarrassed. This is a pretty stupid moment to remember, but to this day I can't eat more than a "small" portion of any ice cream treat.

Alright - so getting to the point (finally). The other day it was nap time and Maggie and I were getting ready to read books on the twin bed in her room. She plopped down next to me and pushed her elbow into my boob to steady herself. I yelled, "Ow!" and shoved her arm off my throbbing swollen-pregnant-lady-boob, and may have accidentally scratched her cheek with my fingernail as I did so (I'm honestly not sure, there was never a mark). She looked at me and her face fell. Her eyes, oh god those eyes! I don't even know how to explain it, maybe heartbroken, or demoralized? I know! She looked at me like I was a superhero and someone had just ripped off my mask to reveal that I was actually Hitler underneath.

She started crying and saying, "No Mama!" over and over again and scampered off the bed to stand by the door. She kept crying, "No Mama!" and would not let me anywhere near her, no matter how my times I told her I was sorry and tried to reach for her.

She's two years old and mighty resilient, so of course she got over it as soon as the words "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" were uttered, but I don't think I'm ever going to forget this one. It made me think of all those kids that get spanked and what they must be feeling. And spanking is one thing, what about all the kids that are abused. If just one pained outburst from me can break something in my perfect little girl, even if for just a few moments, is it really any wonder why there are so many damaged people in this world?